Emotion Regulation Checklist

The core function of the "Emotional Regulation Checklist" has never been to teach you how to "eliminate negative emotions", but to help you judge "whether you need to intervene in your current emotions, and if so, which method is most suitable for you" - there is no unified standard answer, and all judgments are based on your true feelings as the first criterion.

First of all, we need to break a misunderstanding: you don’t have to adjust your negative emotions whenever you have them. In the 6 years I have been working as a consultant, I have seen too many people regard "emotional stability" as a KPI. In the afternoon, they were angry for two hours when their colleagues took away the credit, and they would scold themselves for being "so immature." In fact, normal mood swings, even if they are negative, can be ignored as long as they meet a few very subjective conditions: they will not affect your normal eating and sleeping, they will not make you make impulsive and irreversible decisions (such as quitting your job in anger, deleting friends), and they will not last longer than your normal emotional recovery cycle - for example, if you are usually sad for up to 2 days, but this time you have been sad for 3 days and have not recovered, then it is not too late to consider intervention. Last time, a visitor who worked in operations was scolded by her boss because her partner was blaming her. She went home and cried all night. She was still feeling uncomfortable the next day, but she saw a message online about "becoming an emotionally stable adult" and forced herself to cheer up and go to work. As a result, she suffered from insomnia for three consecutive days. In fact, if she had spent two hours scolding her partner with her friends that night and watched two episodes of the drama, she might have been fine the next day.

After you have determined that you need to adjust, don't just follow the "three-step deep breathing method" on the Internet. It really doesn't work for everyone. The emotional regulation ideas of different schools are very different, so it is useful to choose the one that suits your personality.

Friends who are often exposed to psychology may know CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Its idea is to first find the cognitive bias behind your emotions - for example, if you post a post on Moments and no one likes it, you will feel that "everyone doesn't like me." This is a typical overgeneralization. The method of CBT is to ask you to list "How many people don't like to check Moments? How many people saw it and forgot to like it? ”, break back the distorted cognition, and the emotions will naturally disappear. This method is especially suitable for people who usually have a strong sense of logic and love review. Several programmer friends I know, when they get emotional, they write a document and list "emotional triggering events, my thoughts, objective facts". After listing, they calm down, which is more effective than anything else. But many people don’t buy this method. Consultants from the humanistic school feel that you are essentially denying the rationality of emotions - I just feel sad that no one likes it. Don’t I even have the right to be sad?

The humanistic approach is simpler: accept emotions first, don't talk about big principles. If you feel sad after a breakup, don't force yourself to "be better with the next one." First find a friend to scold your ex until your head is bloody, cry until you use three packs of tissues, and eat your favorite hot pot twice in a row. Once you have vented your emotions enough, you will be able to move on naturally. I once had a visitor who was a primary school teacher. She usually had to take care of the emotions of all the children in the class and was used to reasoning with each other first. Last time, she was stressed out because her elderly family member was hospitalized and she had to go to work until she fainted. Later, the advice I gave her was to spend two hours a week "not doing the right thing."

There is also the somatic school of thought, which has been very popular in recent years, and is suitable for those situations where the mind goes blank when the emotions come up, and there is no way to think of reasons or vent - for example, when you are about to go on stage to give a report, you are suddenly so nervous that your throat becomes tight, or you are angry all over after an argument with someone. If you are trembling, it is useless to reason with yourself at this time. Adjust your body first: either squat down and hug yourself for 10 seconds, or clench your fists and suddenly release them three times, or take a sip of ice water. The tightness in your body will go away, and your emotions will also go down. The last time I went to an industry salon, I saw a speaker holding a mineral water bottle backstage before going on stage. He held it three or four times before getting up. Later, when we talked, he said that this was an adjustment method he had used for several years, and it was more useful than a deep breathing tube.

Oh, by the way, I must mention something that many people have stepped on: don’t force yourself to use the method “others say works”. I have seen people who were born with high sensitivity force themselves to learn "desensitization". At first they were just a little unhappy, but they forced themselves to "don't care" and ended up suffering from neurological headaches. ； I have also seen people with carefree personalities force themselves to write an "emotion diary". After writing two lines, they become extremely annoyed and their mood worsens. There is never a "right answer" to emotional regulation. Even if you use this method today and it works, it will not work tomorrow.

Finally, to be honest, this checklist is never meant to give you a grade. You don't need to be an "emotionally stable adult". Occasionally you lose your temper or emo for a day or two. As long as it doesn't affect your normal life, it's really not a big deal. After all, in the final analysis, the emotion itself is the signal sent by your body to you. If you are willing to catch it and treat it well, it will be more effective than any adjustment method.